Chronicles of The Fish

This week I present to you the book of womanhood. My personal insider tips on the mysteries of female psychology from someone who's equally interested in women as your typical skirt-chasing fellow.

yes I realize that "equally interested in women" part is going to raise a lot of eyebrows, but i don't care. you can choose to interpret it however you might like :p

By the end of this enlightening post [insert cynical chuckle here] you will have hopefully come to understand women a little better. and if not you will have at least learned a couple of new things you never knew.

 If any of you ladies is reading this, please feel free to add any more points i might have unintentionally forgot to mention.

Let the Womanology lesson begin!

1. We're moody. What pleases us on one day could easily  make us fly off the handle the very next day. GET USED TO IT.

2. In the event of us flying off the handle (risk factor: 3% on regular days, 90% if PMS-ing) the last thing we want is for you to argue back. You must quietly take our insults and the occasional shoe hurled your way, as you must realize that our hormones are most probably doing the talking for us. After we calm down you may proceed to reprimand us on our actions, but tread lightly. ie, "honey i think you made some really valid points on our previous argument (while furiously rubbing the bump on your head), but i think maybe...[insert your argument here]"

3. All arguments or fights started while PMS-ing are null and void.

4. We are ALWAYS right. even when we are wrong.

5. You must accept that the above-mentioned is the only successful method to safely maneuver your way out of a fight/argument without sustaining serious emotional and/or physical injury. :p

6. When your girl asks: "do you think my ass looks huge in these pants?" (or anything related to the "looks" department) your answer must ALWAYS be: "no, honey. you look gorgeous!" even if she looks like a gigantic whale
with two deflated tires for breasts. It is okay to lie to us on such occasions, WE KNOW YOU ARE!

7. You must accept that we will always ask you stupid questions if we end up watching or attending sporting events with you. NO, we don't know what a penalty is, and we don't know what the difference between a yellow card and a red card is. Should you like to be spared the pains of answering our dumb questions, you must buy us gifts (preferably expensive "shiny" ones) and/or sends us on a night out with the girls...expenses fully paid for of course. :D

8. We like sappy romantic movies, shopping, and girlie gossip..get over it! We don't question your infatuation with cars, wrestling, and lesbian porn..do we?

9. If a girl tells you she's fine when you can clearly see that she's upset, that actually translates to the following in woman-tongue (can we call it womanese from now on, by the way?!?!):
"No. I'm not okay"
"No. you cannot go out with the lads. Can't you see I'm upset you inconsiderate git?!"
"No. You cannot ignore me and go watch footie on telly either"
"Yes. I would like you to just sit there and comfort me, even if you aren't going to say anything useful"

10. When we give you the silent treatment, that is usually code for "let's discuss this now, or you are SO not getting any tonight!". In the event of you discussing what upset us, please refer to points 1 through 5 as a general guideline for the current -and all future- arguments.

11. When we say we aren't in the mood for sex, we're not playing hard to get (mind you, we could be sometimes. you never know :p). Believe it or not we actually like sex as much as -if not more than- you do.

12. We know that you're useless at house chores, but we would really appreciate it if you pretended to do some work around the house every once in a while.

13. If you ever hurt one of our girlfriends, rest assured that we can and we WILL go out of our way to make your life a living hell. In fact..we will go out of our way to make yours and your buddies' lives a living hell.

14. We seldom say "I love you" unless we mean it. Accordingly, if you tell a girl you love her you MUST mean it, or otherwise risk losing your most valued "organ" in a chainsaw -or any other equally horrifying- incident.

15. When you break up with a girl, don't give her lame-ass excuses like "it's not you, it's me". Don't try to bullshit either, we wrote the book of "bullshit". TRUST US, we can take the truth..as painful and ugly as it might be.

16. Yes, we don't want you to dress flamboyantly..but we would like it if you paid a little extra attention to the way you look. Don't come dressed in that pair of jeans/shirt you haven't washed since last christmas, and don't look as if you were just hurled out of a cow's digestive tract.

17. We would never admit to it, but we're actually turned on when you look all sweaty after any form of work-out. We also like it when you carry our bags and other heavy items (flexing muscles while doing so is a plus). okay so maybe that last part was just for myself :p

18. We like to get a little pampered every once in a while. The more you spoil us (expensive dinners, sensual massages, etc..) the more we'll be willing to pay you back in other ways (eg, "bedroom" territory). Call it bribery ...that's just the way it works.

19. We're complicated, bitchy, and difficult. We can afford to be that way..we're beautiful, gentle, AND we smell pretty. :p

Last but not least is the GOLDEN rule of womanhood to all men:

Treat us like queens, and we shall treat you like gods. Treat us like whores, and you might as well have unleashed all hell's fury upon yourself.

Update: I think it is only fair to point out that men have their rules too. After all..it is a two-way road. Visit GIASI' blog and take a look at the list of men's rules.

On a final note always bear in mind that what applies to one person won't necessarily work for another. Take a look at Dohagirl's post as an example. Men & women are not enemies..we compliment each other. It just takes a little understanding and whole lot of patience to make it work.